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Monday, July 20, 2009

What is the worst movie musical you have ever seen. When and where did you see it?



For those of you who are not of Italian extraction or not married to one,"mamma mia" is what we say when we can't believe what our eyes are seeing, be it a catastrophe or a miraculous vision of the Virgin Mary.

Mamma Mia, the title, could not be more fitting and Mamma Mia, the movie could not be more catastrophic.

First of all I have no idea where it was shot, supposedly on a Greek island, but it looks more like Lake Hopatcong in Hackettstown, New Jersey.

There is not one redeeming feature or character in this movie. None of the characters can sing and none of them, and I mean not one of them, can emote!This is a movie you will find yourself paying to see again and again... at a midnight performance on Halloween. It is destined to be a cult classic of the Rocky Horror Picture Show genre.

Meryl Streep's career took such a hit from this movie that she entered a convent (DOUBT.) Why would such a great actress take on a role like this. They stuffed her into coveralls three sizes too small for her matronly figure and she same out looking like Ma Yokum in the long ago musical version of "Lil Abner."

Meryl has obviously had one too many face lifts because the face of a thousand moods is now frozen in place. It's hard to describe, sort of a semi smile or a smirk. The plastic surgeon responsible, most likely photoshopped images from every movie she ever made and morphed them into an irreversibly, set in stone, visage.

Plastic surgeons know that this will be the final result of their work so they try to sculpt a final expression that fits any situation but invariably fit none.Sort of like Michael Jackson or Cher before or after being embalmed.

Hollywood and its drug addled writers and directors can never rest on their losses so like drunken sailors in a casino, they stumble on and on. In this case it wasn't enough to totally miscast Ms. Streep so they also had her sing. Julie Andrews or Carol Lawrence, this woman isn't. George Constanza's TV mom she might be.

James Bond, the 20th, also stars(?) in this fiasco. To watch Pierce Brosnan play opposite Meryl, after seeing him running away from supermodels in the Bond films is hysterical,an all time casting blunder.

Colin Firth and Stellan SkarsgÄrd have to be out looking for new agents. Together with Brosnan as the three dads they look as goofy and as outdated as the Pep Boys, Manny Moe and Jack

Run to see this movie with several friends and see who can guess which of the three goons invited to the wedding is the real father. Then see if you care.

The girl who plays the bride to be is not miscast, she is mis-careered. Her soon to be groom could play Tony in West Side Story.

Darn, this was a premiere I looked forward to. Premiere you say? Yes, a movie today has 3 premieres, 3 opening dates.

The first of course is when it opens in theaters, The second is when the DVD makes it's debut. And the third and final one is for the Social Security set. We SS members can't afford either of the first two options so we wait until the film opens on HBO. This can be as long as 18 months after the theater opening.

For Mamma Mia the time frame was compressed into 6 months. It opened,opened again and this weekend opened for the final time.........or at least until midnight on Halloween.